Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Verrrry Mysterious

Some say that I am destined to become a "crazy cat lady." You know the one; that old spinster that lives an isolated existance among her 39 "babies" and smells of kitty litter all the time? Let's just say that though this is neither my dream nor my aspiration, it is a close second-place! I say this because I came home today, noticed that Larry's whiskers on his left side are all broken and curled on the ends. I'm trying to figure out what happened, obviously during the day he was stuck somewhere, or melted them off or SOMETHING! But he's not talking and I see no evidence of foul play. Mystery of mysteries. Hmmm.

Another mystery: Will I go to New Orleans in 2 weeks and tear down moldy drywall or will I sit on my "golden eggs" of vacation days (Limited Supply- Reserve Yours Today!) and wait for something else to come along? Basically tomorrow I need to call Mr. Rich K. and ask him what the hold-up is on info. (Am I in, or am I?) Because I need to be booking some appts. at work if I'm not going to be roasting in the Mississippi Mud!

Some mysteries will be answered soon, others will linger with Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, Elvis Lives, Jimmy Hoffa's Grave, etc. I'll keep you posted!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Living in the Shadows of Love

Well, it is late and I'm tired, but not sleepy. Today was another day continuing the "Weirdness" weather-pattern that seems to have taken hold of my geographical vicinity. In the past week, one of my children's mother was carted off to the "looney bin" (her words), and another child's father met fate over the sixth-floor edge, point of impact: moving car below.

My life seems quite calm (dare I say placid?) in contrast. Words of wisdom seem to glide right over my head. I have a somewhat "junior-high" instinct to bury my head in a novel or magazine and just slip away. It is challenging to sit and await whatever the next day brings. I'm tempted to attempt control, to manage and sift what pieces of reality I will allow into my field of vision. Heidi's happy when Heidi's on top and in charge of the situ. (Ha!) The reality is, that never happens.

So I continue to be challenged by mentor Suzanne, to love from a deeper place. Love without seeking an outcome or response. This love is not motivated by what will come back for me. This love seeks the good of the loved, without seeking, first, personal safety and security. This love is backed by the knowledge of God's love for me, not by the reassurance that those I love will not hurt me. This love is constant and true, though not always "nice" because though it seeks the best for those it loves, it is not motivated by their approval. This is sacrificial, laborious, honest, hard love. This is not the easy love that is a natural response to pleasant interactions that require nothing of me.

I'm preaching to myself because I'm so far from it. Fortunately God gives us an amazing "grace-period" in which to learn, and he allows us to suffer one-another's mistakes together (so bear with me, folks, and I'll try to do the same for you). We could just try to make it without love (it being so difficult and all). I fear that is the path to the "looney-bin" or the sixth-floor drop-off.


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

"You chose... wisely"

Looks like I picked well when I chose my personal day this quarter. Came back to work today (Tuesday) and was told that yesterday a van slammed on his gas and squeeled out of a parking lot, on his way to a head-on collision with my office!!!

He was stopped in his tracks by a utility pole, that was broken with the force of impact and fell onto my office roof. The driver's face slammed into the windshield of his minivan and left an imprint. All four tires went flat, and there were no skid marks, indicating he did not use his brakes? The van was crunched like a can in a recycle bin. Other employees at my office described the sound of the collision as a "sonic boom" and shared that the entire building shook.

The utility pole knocked out the powerlines leading to our building, and they had to evacuate for fear of electric fire. Our phones didn't work until today, and the power was out most of the evening. *The driver was taken by ambulance to a local hospital, and hopefully is ok.

My office today, is strangely intact.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Cold Spring and Late Rains

Well, this week has been much like the weather, cloudy and cool one moment, and birds and sunshine the next. Storms of spring have left me a little bewildered. Life simultaneously has an air of "exactly like it used to be" and "strange." Maybe it always was strange, and I just never noticed.

Made it out to lunch for some vietnamese curry/coconut milk delight, and made it to a Baptism Bar-B-Que to cheer on the little ones. Talked to Mom on the phone for our Sunday chat, and she "placed an order" so I know what color of earrings to make her in honor of her day. Now I am feeling restful at home.

So as far as the Sunday eve "Bread Co." tradition goes, I regret ever naming it a tradition. Somehow the instant you institutionalize something, other things come up and crowd it out and it becomes an obligation instead of a joy. That is an exaggeration in this case, but the last two weeks now we have cancelled for various, excellent reasons that never came up the weeks before; it just fell into being without any planning. Ah well, other weekends will come, and I'm too sleepy to care.

Larry knocked a glass jar off a tall shelf last night and I awoke to the sound of shattering glass just before dawn. Oh, Larry!

Despite Larry, my mood is peaceful and hopeful. The day stretches before me like an empty canvas, and it feels like the perfect sort of night for painting. Maybe I will.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Inspiration Comes in All Shapes and Sizes

Well, Doug would tell me I have committed a great faux pas- three blog posts in three days, thereby implying that I have no life and am officially a nerd of the computer variety. But hear THIS, Doug! I just found out tonight about two superfans who check in daily on this very site! This is for you, Superfans (you don't know who you are, but don't worry, I won't 'out' you)! These fans are the stealth sort, the ones who read silently and leave no comments, leave without a trace...

Had a wonderful time with a friend this evening in a little park, overlooking the interstate under a smoky moon. She made me laugh, and we ate Dairy Queen together. We talked dreams, news of the day, bedbugs, prospects. Last night I dreamed that my friend Anne went into my fridge (in which there are currently [accidentally] three containers of half-n-half, two unopened) and deliberately opened a new container. I asked her what she was doing and she gave me a half smile, narrowed her eyes, and said "I'm opening it." I said "Why are you doing this? Can't you see there is already an open container!?!" She said "So?" Hmmmm, very meaningful I am sure.

Right now my new neighbor's drunken friends are singing in the stairwell. It sounds something like the neighbor's name to the tune of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." I can't understand why he wouldn't want to open the door!?! Well, they have given up, after going around and pounding on the back door to no avail.

I really want to go on a vacation this year, somewhere exciting. My ears are perked up, awaiting a calling from a far-off land. Actually, I have been trying to travel somewhere different every year now that I am a working girl. I guess I did get in NC earlier this spring, but since it was on work time, I won't count it... I want more! I think something good will come, we shall see. I'm open.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Color Me Greatful!

Feeling 'Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr' today.

Happy Monday.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

For The Birds

This morning the sound of the birds in the trees is a reminder of God giving us a new song. The season of Spring is a testament to God's renewing presence. He doesn't walk away or give up on us, he is here, and joy comes up in the morning.

I went through my "prayer box" the last two days. The prayer box is another little reminder of a Faithful Creator. It is just a fancy cardboard box filled with loose post-it notes, and others contained within an envelope. The envelope contains answered prayers, the loose notes are reminders of concerns I have floating before God. The prayer box has been kept up for the last five years. Most fun to see are people who have been in my life the whole time, with all kinds of little additions and answered prayers noted on them. Sometimes I laugh when I add something to the box and discover I had already put the exact same request in one to two years prior. Sometimes I laugh at the ignorance of my requests! Comforting that even if I forget or don't know what to ask for, God hears and knows.

Something that Mom and I talked about last week is a change I feel has gradually occurred in me, I think related to work. I find myself becoming more cynical and skeptical about people in certain ways. Too often, I find mental energy going in the direction of trying to predict/label others. I'm not entirely sure how this defensiveness serves me, except perhaps I become weary of hoping for good things from people, particularly when work revolves around their greatest failures and issues. So the conclusion my own heart came to, which was echoed by Mom in a letter, is that probably more greatfulness to God is in order. I think as I truly respond to his faithfulness, majesty, glory and honor, I can show more grace to others. I don't know what this has to do with birds singing, but my heart did a little skip this morning and said "Thank you God for the birds!" (Corny, but true).