Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Baby Lynx

Doug gave me a little stuffed lynx cub when he got back from Yellowstone. I took it to my office and it is one of the most popular of my stuffed animals. Awwwww~ aren't they cute!?

(FYI: The lynx cub given by Doug is a FAUX stuffed lynx made of entirely synthetic materials. No baby lynxs' were harmed in the manufacturing or distribution of the animal.)

Monday, September 25, 2006

Jerry Fallwell Calls Hillary Clinton 'The Devil'

That is the headline on my news feed. The article explains he meant it "tongue in cheek."

I try to channel glory in a messy room. I look at my mean kitty, placid and quiet on the bed. I feel like such a fraud. Not because I’m really a fraud. I’m a fraud at being a fraud. The word is too strong and doesn’t capture my mediocrity today.

Larry shoots off the bed and goes crazy. My eyes focus on the moth he chases. Probably eating holes through my best sweaters.

This was supposed to be a month of saving money and instead I find myself running "errands" left and right and spending money I planned to tuck away. I sit placid and quiet (except for typing fingers) and hope that somehow the checkbook balance will just settle into equilibrium on it’s own accord. As Skye and I used to laugh about "maybe if I don't notice it will just go away?"

I think of beautiful Sunday words and the meaning of LOVE and I look at my petty sniping against people at work, and think, "who am I?" Who am I to speak about love?

I think, "Thank you God that love is not about ‘who am I?’ but is about ‘who You are’."
I think, "God help me!"

Monday, September 18, 2006

Strange Happenings?
I was bit by a spider and now my wrists are hurting. The weirdest part was that when I was pulling my car door shut, a string of silky substance shot out of my hand. This is all true except for the string part.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Insomnia: A Love Song*

Listen to the highway sounds: rumbling motors, tires on pavement, passing Harley. Turn to the left, eyes open wide, and flip pillow. Try it once more. The electric fan sighs. Stomach, back, side; rotate like a rotisserie chicken on the spit. No rest yet. Cat stirs and jumps off his chair with a soft thud.

Neck, back and head ache and give in to the lumpy mattress without protest. Mind is full of everything and nothing. Thoughts of yesterday, tomorrow and the meaning of dreams intermingle, clanging like wind-chimes; empty music.

The day, like clothing piled on the chair, seems to have some life yet, not quite ready to be tossed in the bin. Thoughts of morning alarm clock keep body stationary. Memories of obnoxious morning DJs sounding their radio alarm, each laughing voice that breaks into dozing consciousness like a punch in the gut. Thoughts of coffee: liquid lifeline. Thank you God, for coffee.

*for coffee

Monday, September 11, 2006

Dream Life

When's the last time you felt this good?
Tara's parents' dog- photo by Tim T.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

On Regrets

I was thinking today about "if I would have known {this and this and this} I would have done it differently. But I have no control over the actions of others, and I can’t predict them. Also, I keep coming back to how I learned new things out of the experience and now I have a better understanding. So next time {this} comes up, I will do it differently. Then I think of my sin , and how it shows through the cracks in my pieced-together manners. I feel a little sad, but I guess I can just take it to God, and ask forgiveness. And I don’t have to fear that others can see my sin! I can laugh that they probably see so much more of it than I ever realize!!!

Ultimately, I’m feeling a little hopeful because God lets us learn by our mistakes and he doesn’t hold them over our head and call us "screw-ups." He doesn’t berate us for not getting it right the first time. He patiently forges a new character for us, by teaching us to persevere through trials, grow in compassion and understanding of his kingdom.

I was telling Tanya about a college professor who let us redo our assignments, for full credit. We had to meet a deadline and we had to rewrite the question and a correction, after having looked it up. He wanted us to learn the material, more than get it right the first time. He talked to us how if it was really up to us to "know it all" before God, we would all fail, but that God shows mercy and gives us more than one attempt to learn things. Thank you, Dr. Snyder!

It’s a "happy birthday to me." Now I am going to go wander about getting things done and spending gift cards, and go running in the Beautiful Park and mop the floors and talk to family on the phone! It sounds like a perfect, breezy sort-of-way to spend my day.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Momentary Clarity

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free! (Galatians 5:1)

In that freedom we can look our deepest fears in the face and say "You don’t own me!" We can imagine our "worst possible scenario" and we can live it and know that Christ is with us, strengthening our spirits and that this is the most important thing. God will turn around our worst fears and make them a source of unbelievable strength. How? If I tell God "this one thing, this one thing I don’t think I could survive, please anything but that" then I am a slave to fear.

If God, (turning evil into blessing,) let’s "that one thing" occur and helps me to not only survive it, but gives me hope in the midst, and encourages me (even through tears) then I am no longer a slave to my fears. Because, by the Spirit, we can survive and begin to realize, "I am more than my circumstances, and even in hardest of times, God is with me."

Then my love for God grows and he turns my "worst possible life" into the "best possible life" because my spirit no longer has to fear this most fearsome thing!!!

Therefore, we don’t need to fear anything, and we can trust God with both our hopes and our fears. If God can transform "my worst" into "his best" then he can certainly transform "pretty decent" or "so-so" into whatever he wants it to be!

This life is truly free because it is not bound by safe or pleasant experience. I don’t have to stay within what is comforting or familiar to me. I can move into what is frightening or unknown and I can walk with freedom. I can even walk with freedom in what is tedious or tiresome, or when I see no results for my labor, because I know that this too is within his grasp! Thank you God!